Sunday, January 13, 2008
How To Be A Democrat
From an old friend who knows no snivelling:
To be a Democrat, you must:
1- be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
2- believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3- believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
4- believe that there was no art before federal funding.
5- believe that global temperatures are less affected by documented cyclical changes in the earth's climate than by soccer moms driving SUVs.
6- believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7- believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8- believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach them about sex.
9-believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside San Francisco do.
10- believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11- believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" just for financial gain.
12- believe the NRA is bad because it invokes the Constitution while the ACLU is good because it invokes the Constitution.
13- believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
14- believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison and Alexander Graham Bell.
15- believe that standardized tests are racist but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16- believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and a very nice person.
17- believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18- believe a conservative telling the truth belongs in jail but a known liar and serial sex offender belonged in the White House.
19- believe that parades featuring drag queens, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and Christmas manger scenes rendered illegal and prohibited from public display.
20- believe that illegal funding of the Democrat Party by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
21- believe that this message is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.
22- believe that it's right to give Federal workers Christmas Day off but not right for them to utter "Merry Christmas" in the workplace.
23- believe it's good for a 12-year-old girl to be able to get an abortion without her parents' consent but bad for a 12-year-old boy to draw a picture of a gun in his notebook.
In other words, if you're a Good Democrat you've got a whole lotta 'splainin' to do.
But will I ever, ever, ever try to shut you up?
No.
Never. Not only would it be against my personal principals, it would mean that I wouldn't know what you think. And given what you think, I just flat out can't afford that.
I wouldn't make a Good Democrat at all. I'm too much on the side of Me and my principles.
To be a Democrat, you must:
1- be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
2- believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3- believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
4- believe that there was no art before federal funding.
5- believe that global temperatures are less affected by documented cyclical changes in the earth's climate than by soccer moms driving SUVs.
6- believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7- believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8- believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach them about sex.
9-believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside San Francisco do.
10- believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11- believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" just for financial gain.
12- believe the NRA is bad because it invokes the Constitution while the ACLU is good because it invokes the Constitution.
13- believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
14- believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison and Alexander Graham Bell.
15- believe that standardized tests are racist but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16- believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and a very nice person.
17- believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18- believe a conservative telling the truth belongs in jail but a known liar and serial sex offender belonged in the White House.
19- believe that parades featuring drag queens, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and Christmas manger scenes rendered illegal and prohibited from public display.
20- believe that illegal funding of the Democrat Party by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
21- believe that this message is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.
22- believe that it's right to give Federal workers Christmas Day off but not right for them to utter "Merry Christmas" in the workplace.
23- believe it's good for a 12-year-old girl to be able to get an abortion without her parents' consent but bad for a 12-year-old boy to draw a picture of a gun in his notebook.
In other words, if you're a Good Democrat you've got a whole lotta 'splainin' to do.
But will I ever, ever, ever try to shut you up?
No.
Never. Not only would it be against my personal principals, it would mean that I wouldn't know what you think. And given what you think, I just flat out can't afford that.
I wouldn't make a Good Democrat at all. I'm too much on the side of Me and my principles.
