Tuesday, July 25, 2006

 

Top Ten Things That Would Have Happened If John F'n Kerry Had Been Elected President

10. President Kerry, who fought in Vietnam, would have personally evacuated all Americans from Beirut in August of 2005 on his wakeboard.
9. President Kerry, who fought in Vietnam, would have delivered humanitarian aid to Lebanon prior to the kidnappings of the Israeli soldiers by Hezbollah, with whom he would have immediately negotiated an eternal ceasefire pleasing everyone.
8. President Kerry, who fought in Vietnam, would have personally trained Lebenon's armed forces to disarm Hezbollah in 2001, if not earlier.
7. Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and Hezbollah all would have elected courageous, visionary, nuanced and peace-minded leaders in the mould of a Dominique de Villepin. In 1998.
6. Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Dean and the hawkish Jack Murtha would already have made the world a safer place, although it is not clear how.
5. Iran would be purchasing its nuclear technology from America and her trusted allies France and Russia.
4. President Kerry, who fought in Vietnam, would have crushed Adolph Hitler's skull with his bare hands in 1923.
3. Secretary Of State Joseph C. Wilson III and his double-knot-agent wife, at the request of Vice-President John Edwards, would have brought peace to Africa in a single afternoon over mint tea with Larry Johnson in a five-star Niamey hotel.
2. Karl Rove, Prisoner #9112001
1. America, led by President Kerry, who fought in Vietnam, would have passed the Global Test with straight A's.

That's right: we'd be screwed.

A slight variation on this theme from Power Line.

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